Poems from my MFA. All work is protected under copyright by EWU.
These poems come from the idea that, if we are made in His image, He, too, feels the way we feel. God feels anxiety, knows what regret can do to the heart, understands self-hatred, intimacy, and desire. These poems also use the technique of Revisionist Theology as they imagine Biblical characters here in the PNW.
Credit to Jericho Brown for the “Duplex” form used in the final poem.
It only makes sense that I honor Kendalyn with one of my first posts, as she is the reason this blog exists. To be frank, the term ‘soul sister’ is saccharine and overused, but it could not be more true when describing our friendship. Our nine years have been filled with unconditional love, unrelenting support, and an unwavering understanding of one another. I met Kendalyn in our freshman year at Whitworth University, and my life changed for the better. She has that effect on people. Please brace yourself for the sentimental.
The first week of school, all of the freshmen in the dorm went out to roller skate as a community-building activity. To my immense embarrassment, I ended up falling and breaking my leg. Here I was in a new town, faced with people I didn’t even know, and now I was helpless in front of them. My literal worst nightmare. To keep a long story short, I went home for surgery and to recover. Six weeks later, I rolled my knee scooter back into the dorm feeling overwhelmed at the sight of the new relationships everyone had built while I was gone. I did not know where I belonged and in that was a familiar sense of smallness from my youth.
One night after I had returned, the dorm was hosting a party. As I was doing my hair and makeup, Kendalyn knocked on my door. We had only briefly met before this, but here she was. She commented on how pretty my dress was, and we chatted for a minute or so. When she left to finish getting ready, she promised to come get me so we could go to the party together. She kept her promise.
Soon, that sense of smallness I had felt at the beginning of Freshman year (and all throughout my childhood) was replaced by a sense of importance and value. Every ounce of love she poured into me, I poured back into her. Our friendship became mutualistic, fulfilling and sustaining us both equally. They say to never live with your best friend, but we made it work for over four years before Kendalyn started her beautiful family and nursing career, and I moved to Bellevue to figure out my life.
As we approach year 10 of friendship, I find myself thinking more and more about how vital the relationship was for me during my developmental twenties. Finding such a pure friendship in Kendalyn was both shocking and settling for my soul after years of mistrust and emotional displacement. With Kendalyn, I felt a permission to be myself that I had never had before. In many ways, she is still the only person I feel as though I can be myself around. I know that I also get to be that person for her.
I have a hard time believing that I would be where I am now if I had never met her. Since moving to Bellevue in 2022, I’ve been thinking a lot about micro-choices: small decisions that set the world into motion, ones that lead to bigger, more consequential moments in life. If I had never chosen Whitworth, I wouldn’t have met Kendalyn when I needed her the most. Those micro-choices are always a part of a bigger plan, something Kendalyn reminds me of. Her love and friendship have been the clearest proof of God’s existence that I could ask for.
The following is cheesy but true. As I grow in my career and look to build a family of my own, I am not afraid. Whatever life has in store for me, I am not afraid. As I approach my 30s, I am not afraid. I get to walk with my best friend through this life and whatever comes after. What more of a blessing could I ask for?
The most basic question known to man. The never-ending journey of self-discovery seems so cliche at this point. But yet here I am, rolling my eyes, as I find myself face to face with this question time and time again.
This question comes with its own hierarchy of responses. Lowest level: Who am I in relation to others? Well, I’m a daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, best friend, roommate, and teacher. The next level up: Who am I in relation to the world? I’m a reader, baker, poet, football watcher, walker (not runner!), and water lover. Another step up: Who am I in relation to things bigger than myself? I’m a Christian who believes in spirituality over religion, who does her best to walk like Jesus. I’m an Administrative Manager for a local restaurant owned by esteemed football players. I’m a teacher. This appears twice due to its relevance in both categories of this pyramid of self.
The tip of this pyramid is this: Who am I in relation to my soul? These are the pieces of me that trickle down into the rest of the levels. I am a worrier. I am a romantic. I am sensitive. I am fiercely independent. I am an introvert who can turn it on for crowds. I am altogether too forgiving of the wrong people while too hard-hearted towards those deserving of forgiveness. I purposely work myself to the brink of burnout, so I don’t think or feel too deeply. This is why I am here.
My best friend and personal angel, Kendalyn, told me in a Marco Polo (one of our preferred forms of communication) that I should write this summer. This comment came after a particularly horrific break-up that, in my attempt to not feel things, left me more than numb. For a moment, I felt anger, then annoyance, when she said this, because, as usual, she told me what my soul needed to hear rather than what I wanted. She called out the piece of me that has been missing for a few years now. When Kendalyn speaks to my heart, I can’t help but listen.
The goal of this blog is to answer this culminating question. I might do so through recipes, poems, reflections, book reviews, day-in-the-life replays, playlists, and who knows what else. I have no intentions for views, only for self-discovery. Who knows what else I might find along the way.
Begin with Love 